Parent Stress and Dissatisfaction: What Can Be Done?
Becoming a parent is supposed to make you happy, right? But what if you are like many American parents and just not feeling it?
There is an unspoken expectation out there, one that is easy to believe, that says being
a parent should be the best, most fulfilling aspect of your adult life.
A 2023 Pew Research study titled Parenting In America Today found that across class,
race, and gender four in 10 American parents find their role ‘tiring’ while nearly one in
three find it ‘stressful.’ And rates of stress and exhaustion are higher among mothers
than fathers across all demographics.
Let’s put that in perspective: nearly half of the parents with you at Saturday’s soccer,
volleyball, football, basketball, baseball game–and/or theater, choir and band
performance–are feeling tired and stressed about parenting.
Here’s the deal: you love your kids fiercely but also feel overwhelmed and stressed
because of your parenting role. You are not alone in holding both of these emotions at
the same time.
Knowing there are others in the same situation is the first step to being able to weave a
safety net of support, one that is made up of other parents also committed to doing
things differently.
My hope is that you won’t have to hit that bottom point, where you feel yourself
completely overwhelmed and are perhaps begging to get some strange illness just so
you can crawl into your bed for a week or so (I felt the urge but did not succumb!).
My hope is that hearing from me–a somewhat veteran parent of three–will help you get
real, sooner.
Here are my six tips:
1. Ask For Help–even when you can’t reciprocate.
Parents in America report lower rates of happiness than parents in other Western
countries. Perhaps this is because we have less of a formal safety net; for
example, less family leave time and a lack of high quality and affordable child
care.
And so, when you text a mom you hardly know to ask if she could bring your
child home from soccer, this starts the process of weaving your own safety net
and creates a sense of parenting as a collective experience, one that does not
happen in isolation. It takes bravery to reach out; each time you do, it creates an
opportunity for deeper, more meaningful connections. And guess what? When
you ask for help, the other person knows they can do the same.
2. Be selfish–Do at least one thing every day for yourself.
I’m not talking about going to the gym or taking a bubble bath here. Those are
great but easily become one more ‘to do’ on a long list of ‘to do’s’ and potentially
set you up for–again–feeling like a failure.
I am talking about simple things like: saying ‘not right now’ to your kid when they
want you but what you really need is to take off your shoes and change out of
your work clothes calmly, without responding to someone else’s needs.
I’m talking about small, very intentional moments that add up over time. Like
sitting on the back porch swing for a few minutes before helping with homework.
Or playing YOUR music while you drive the kids to soccer. If tea is your thing
then boil the tea pot and spend the time reading texts on your phone while it
steeps.
In my family, everyone knows that if I come home from the store with a six-dollar
Kombucha drink–it’s all for me–don’t even ask for a sip!
For me, saying no to sharing my Kombucha has come to symbolize the
importance of keeping something for myself, completely selfish and perhaps
‘un-mom-like.’ Be more selfish. In the end, it makes parenting more fun.
3. Maintain perspective–your kids are going to survive your worst parenting moments.
No matter what kind of parent we are, kids come with their own temperament
style, personality traits, and inner resources. It’s humbling to realize but like that
great old Dr. Seuss book, “Oh The Places You Will Go” says: no matter what, our
kids will struggle and things will get hard for them.
Sometimes these hard moments in our kid’s lives will come with less than stellar
support from us.
When you mess it all up (e.g. yell, blow your top, say something regretful or
harsh, forget to pick them up from soccer) or when things get tough (e.g. divorce,
moving, loss of a loved one, bullying) remember that your message to them is
that they will (are) okay, that they possess all the internal resources necessary to
get through.
When we (as parents) operate from the belief that our kid’s struggles are entirely
our fault or that if we were just better parents, they wouldn’t struggle at all, the
unintentional message to our kids is that they are broken, wrong, or bad.
To avoid this, we as parents must continuously work to decouple our sense of
self worth from how our kids are doing.
This allows us to own parenting mistakes, name when we overreact, and commit
to doing it differently next time.
It also lets our kids know that mistakes are okay–a life lesson of real significance
in breaking the cycle of shame and blame that is part of our culture.
4. Follow your gut–there is no one right way to parent.
As a person who reads parenting books for fun, I stand by this statement: no
single parenting approach or strategy is the ‘golden ticket’ to successful child
rearing. Instead, the best guide is your internal instincts–your sense of what
matters most and aligns with your values.
I remember stressing when my boys were infants: do I let them cry it out or
co-sleep? It felt so big. But guess what the best advice was (from my awesome
mom!): do what’s right for you.
And what works for one kid will backfire with the next, even when they are in the
same family.
But beyond all else, stop and question parenting decisions when you are doing
them just because everyone else is.
For example, maybe you don’t need to sign up for t-ball AND soccer at the same
time. Stop and consider your needs before doing what the predominant trend is.
5. Be willing to go inward–take a look at your own ‘junk’.
Being a parent is such a great opportunity to learn more about ourselves and
identify patterns that we want to shift or, on the flip side, patterns from our family
of origin that we want to replicate.
Early ‘attachment wounds’–those moments of disruption in the parent-child bond
that may have happened in our childhood because of grief, loss, abuse, or
neglect–surface when stress is high, sometimes making us reactive and
emotional in response to our kids.
Sometimes the effect is more subtle, leading us to behave in a disconnected way
towards our kids.
It takes work to stop and reflect about all this internal stuff and; it’s worth it.
Ultimately, when we do this work, parenting is a transformative experience rather
than a chore.
6. Access Parenting Support–you don’t have to struggle alone.
My husband and I didn’t just magically find our equilibrium as parents and
partners; believe me, we have attended plenty of couples and individual therapy
over the years, all of which has helped us communicate and support each other
both as parents and individuals.
And so the work continues: currently, he attends a weekly men’s group while I
have informal support like my ‘Boy Mom Book Club’ where we supposedly
discuss parenting boys, but really talk about anything and everything.
And one of my favorite things to do as a family therapist is support parents.
So whether you reach out to a family therapist like me, or find support in some
other way, know that you do not need to struggle alone.
If you would like more information about how to work with me for parenting support,
please reach out. I offer free, 15-minute phone consultations and would be honored to
help.
Just follow these steps:
- Go to my website at dellapope.com.
- Choose a time for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
- Speak with Della and decide if working together is a good fit.